The Color Green

Hebrews 11:1-3 NIV [1] Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. [2] This is what the ancients were commended for. [3] By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. It feels harder to hold onto faith and hope these days.  I wonder why? It feels like age might have something to do with it, or maybe it's the Bloomington Indiana winter blaws.  Maybe it's just the mundane everyday living life blaws.  As I sit here thinking about how unmotivated I feel I am realizing that often times these feeling are of my own making.  The choses I make have a whole lot to do with where I'm at in life right now.  I know that there are some things I need to do differently.  Why is it so hard to change the things that I don't like about myself?  I keep going down the same roads, I keep making the same mistakes. I feel crippled by my own foolishness. De...

Last year I decided to cut the cable. $120 dollars for not much of anything, and flipping through stations to find something to watch is not fun.  The only thing I miss is live sports. All that to say that my new favorite game day hang out is Buffalo Wild Wings! 

Other people's perspective is good.  When I spend to much time by myself I lose out on perspectives that are not all about me. The easiest place to live my life is without others, it's less complicated less messy.  It's also less of my flaws being seen by others who may chose to toss me away because of them. Why would I risk that?  Despite my selfish lazy tendencies in relationships with others, I have to say that I was not created to live this life unto myself. I was created to live life with others and for others. I fail to do so on so many accounts all the time.   Lately though, I have to say of all my relationships at least right now, none of them really and truly engage me in very relationally deep ways.  I haven't felt even a little filled, In fact all of them drane me. Ok maybe that is a little bit of an exaggeration, I would say that I have been a part of two small groups and within those groups I have felt better, but I don't feel really close to anyone...

Restless, always dreaming of being somewhere other than here.  This is how I feel most of the time.  I dream of leaving on a plane, I know where ever it goes it has to be better than just being here. I know that I will never feel content to just stay here and never go anywhere else. I also know that this world isn't it. No matter where I go or where I live I'm always going to feel out of place just a little bit off. I lived in Colorado for six years and even there in such a beautifully sunny land I felt disconnect restless. The writer of Hebrews writes: [13] All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. [14] People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. [15] If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. [16] Instead, they ...

I don't write anymore, and most days I don't even think about writing.  For some reason today I'm thinking about it. I miss it. I'm not a very good writer, I mostly have written, because it felt like it gave me some semblance of sanity to write. A way to organize my thoughts. I read an article the other day that suggests writing is a way to make yourself happier. I wonder how true that idea is? In part I think maybe it makes sense, and sense I've stopped writing, I have felt more depressed, more unhappy than I ever have in my life.  I know though,that part of the habit of writing is the fact that I stop, and be still. when I write, most of the time, I spend time in the bible and in prayer. That has always, for as long as I can remember, been my day's ritual. I think, the part I miss about writing the most is the habit of being with God. I think it's time to get back to writing,at least that's what I want to do.