The Truth of the Matter.

How had I come to believe, that the deep things of my heart and mind were not important? Who told me they didn’t care about the things I was feeling or thinking about? The truth of the matter was, that no one actually said I don’t care about what you think or feel, they just never bothered to ask. Never being asked is another way to let someone know that they are not valued. In response to some of the most important people in my life not bothering to pursue my young heart and mind, I believed I had nothing to offer or give that would be of any value to anyone else. I believed I was stupid. I heard it over and over in my heart and head with out a second of doubt of its truth. Not until my twenty sixth year did the truth that I believed about myself reveal it’s self as a lie. There were six of us who met each week, five younger women and our leader, a woman the five of us had approached to ask if she would be willing to let us learn from her and be mentored and guided by her for a time. We set a time to start and a time to end. We committed ourselves to each other and to the preaching and teaching of Gods word. Our leader also suggested that we go through a book by C.S. Lewis together. “The Screwtape Letters” In that time and fellowship with that small part of the Body, God was slowly opening the eyes of my heart and mind to see satins lies. As I saw them more clearly, I felt the wait of them bare strong on my body and mind. I had been taking a Spanish class that semester at a local community college. It was not easy and again and again I heard the voice in my head say why bother, your stupid and you won’t pass, so why even bother. I had spent the week studying for an upcoming test in the class the whole time I felt ill in my stomach. I kept hearing over and over how stupid I was and how who cared about anything I would ever say. After the test that night, I quit. I drove home in tears full on sobs shaking my being I remember feeling out of control and crazy. Again and again I heard those words no one cares, you’re stupid, you’re stupid. I walked into the door of my house not wanting to let anyone know what was going on I darted toward my room hoping to just be alone with the misery that was shaking me. No such luck though, one of my house mates, and fellow bible study members was at the foot of the stairs. My hysteria stopped her in her tracks, and she stopped me in mine, I crumpled to the floor in a heap of tears they were loud full on, nothing I’d ever done before then. She sat next to me, and waited, she put her arms around me until slowly the shaking quieted my other house mate and bible study mate had also come too she also waited. Soon everything I had been believing and saying in my head over and over for eighteen years came out too them. There I was rolled up in a little wet ball on the floor and right there and then they, my sisters laid hands on me and prayed. I can’t explain well in words what happen too me in that moment, but I know that I felt different, I felt free. Light, like something heavy had fallen off me. Once again through the grace of Jesus Christ,  I have never been the same.