What ever keeps me close to you Oh God, put it in my life. Though it hurts and aches though it wrenches my heart and soul over and over again, yet will I trust you. At times it pulls me down under the air, I grasp for the pain to stop. I cry out to you, soon my days and nights are ceaseless prayers that bring tears to my eyes for hours until I fall asleep only after I'm weary with struggle. Sometimes I am woken by the struggle once again, I cry out to God, and again I drench my pillow with tears, I finally fall asleep. I'm crying out to you Oh God over and over. I guess that's good if it means that I walk so close to you, but damn, it really hurts. Why does it take pain for us to remember to just rest and abide with you, to trust you, to talk to you, to give up the things we struggle with the most. I'm sure that this post is a broken record, but I'm broken and there is nothing else for me but to be on my face.
How had I come to believe, that the deep things of my heart and mind were not important? Who told me they didn’t care about the things I was feeling or thinking about? The truth of the matter was, that no one actually said I don’t care about what you think or feel, they just never bothered to ask. Never being asked is another way to let someone know that they are not valued. In response to some of the most important people in my life not bothering to pursue my young heart and mind, I believed I had nothing to offer or give that would be of any value to anyone else. I believed I was stupid. I heard it over and over in my heart and head with out a second of doubt of its truth. Not until my twenty sixth year did the truth that I believed about myself reveal it’s self as a lie. There were six of us who met each week, five younger women and our leader, a woman the five of us had approached to ask if she would be willing to let us learn from her and be mentored and guided ...
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